You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
