im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
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