This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
