Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
