After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
