He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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