I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
