Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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