i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
