I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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