Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
