i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
