You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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