She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
