____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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