My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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