just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
