My hand turned me down
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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