good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
