Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
