Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you bring me the toilet please
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
