I want you more than these girls want KFC
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
