Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize