Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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