He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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