While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
