he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
