we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
