Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize