It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
