I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
