I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize