well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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