Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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