so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it was like eating out sand paper
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize