Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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