Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
