Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize