This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
