Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
