When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
