You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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