i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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