there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
