so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
