We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Randomize
