bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
