I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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