I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
