Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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