Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
