I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
cat food counts as protein by the way
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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