im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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