Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i would one night stand the shit outta him
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
