I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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