At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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