A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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