I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
