I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
