New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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