It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
