so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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