The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
