im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
