yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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