Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
