Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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