Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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