she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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