My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
