he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
